apologetic for existing

Just when I feel apologetic for even existing, something happens that makes me feel okay again.

I commit to things, get excited about them, and then the closer they get I just dread following through; usually because I'm terrified that I'm not up to the task. The interesting thing is that when I do follow through on these things, the outcome is always better than I could have ever anticipated. You'd think I'd have this ingrained by now, but I'm not as quick as you. Well, that's the witness protection way to share all this. Let me break it down.

In less than two weeks I am performing in Owosso. Some new friends of mine, the band No Other Name, asked me awhile back if I would like to open for them for a couple upcoming shows. Better yet, they even offered to play with me on a couple songs if I wanted.

[To exercise my inalienable right to go off on a tangent, these are great folks. They're excellent musicians, they're not haughty or music snobs, and they are just fun to be around. As a notorious figure from a former life would say, "They're good people." Heck, they're my kind of people.]

I took them up on their offer to play with me, and so they'll be playing for my closer. I drove to Owosso tonight to rehearse with them and will be doing that again next Monday. (The first show is next Friday) It's an hour and a half drive to O-town [not to be confused with the radar-blip 'band'], and I didn't get home until 1:30am.

Anyway, as it got closer to my GR departure time, I started getting thoughts of, "What am I doing? I should be working. I'm going to lose 3 hours! Do I really want to do this? I could just stay home...that would be alot easier." Then on the way there I was practicing with their CD [they also asked to sing with them on a couple of their songs] and I started feeling really inadequate.

[in case you didn't know, a car is not really a place to feel good about your singing voice ;) I'll go one step further and say you shouldn't sing in your car at all -- just look at your posture! -- but we all know that we all do it...heck, it's one of the reasons I like to drive so much]

So back to my original story. I'm cruising along, feeling inadequate. I get to where they practice and I drag my keyboard -- and myself -- in. I listen to them work on a song for awhile and then they take a break and I get to talk to them. The whole time I'm waiting, I'm playing ping pong in my brain [it's a good thing my mother-in-law can't get in there, she's wicked good at the pong] -- they're so good, i'm not good, blah, blah, blobbity, blah. I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about; right?

So I decide, "Screw it. I may not be great, but I know what I'm doing. If we try this and I fall on my face, I still tried." [a sidenote here: i wouldn't mind literally falling on my face. i've done it before, and it's quite entertaining.]

Long story short, I had a total blast. I'm not sure how many times we ran the song (i think maybe 50) but it was a great experience feeling it evolve and solidify with these guys. I haven't played with a band much [=never], and I loved it. I was encouraged that they were excited and liked my song...i don't ever expect that and i don't know why. To me it's just kind of there, like butter; yeah, i've got butter, there it is, it's yellow, you can use it on toast if you want, whatever, it's there, use it if you want.

i realize that i tend to compare myself as a musician with so many people that are nothing like me; personally or musically (is attitudinally a word?). and i've done that in all areas of my life at one time or another; it probably contributes a lot to why i struggle with liking myself. yet i'm finding more and more that being myself is what people like about me; personally and musically (and maybe attitudinally; if it's a word).

i read an article once about an indie musician and her attitude towards performing was this: i am the best person to tell these stories they way they need to be told. at first glance it seems like it might be arrogant, but let it roll around in your head for awhile; meditate on that.

While you're doing that, I'm going to go do some work. I'm craving sunflower seeds. And i get to sleep in tomorrow >:E heheehe