missing a friend lost to marriage

ever since my failed "quiet day," I've been thinking a lot about one of my most favorite people of all time. if ever in my life I could honestly call someone "brother," he was it. I learned a lot from our friendship . . . big things about myself, respect, love, faith and country music besides discovering what being a true friend means and what it does to a person. he was important to me and even wore a suit (that I helped him pick out years ago) so he could ush on my wedding day.

the reason he's so prominent in my thoughts lately is because my failed quiet day involved a spontaneous visit to his folks' house, a mere couple miles from where I had just lunched. I was hoping to find out how to get in touch with him, as I anticipated traveling in a few months to where I last knew he lived.

it was a grand reunion (I adore his folks) and spent several hours catching up and pausing to jabber about the various wildlife crawling about outside . . . squirrels, the first red-headed woodpecker of the year . . . luckily no bears this time (seriously. you deduce correctly from my implications that a bear DID try to invite himself in once).

i am going to do two things now: 1) explain why I'm telling this story and 2) appeal -- nay, beg -- to all future spouses everywhere.

1) I'm telling this story because my dear friend has done what we all dream of doing: falling in love, getting married, sharing the adventure of life with that someone that thrills us to the core. I just learned he's been married for nearly three years. I remember when he first told me about her and being so thrilled for him; you could just hear it in his voice! and while I completely understand and expect friendships to change and paths to diverge (it's happened a lot) i have no tolerance for jealous, manipulative and controlling wives. otherwise, I would gladly let friendship slip away for my friend's sake. but a byproduct of his marriage is to exclude his family from their life; bring about the utter breakdown of that familial bond. I am simply dumbfounded. stupefied. something isn't right here. because I know who he was.

it's not always easy to know exactly how this dynamic of family, new family, friends, community, etc. should BE. but puh-lease. get over yourself. this older couple (perhaps a more aged version of your own!) are a part of your spouse and in large part responsible for who he is. I think they deserve more than your cold, too-busy-to-talk-to-them, rude condescension. it just makes me want to hurt somebody.

2) maybe I'm crazy. maybe people just do change for the worse. maybe I should learn to deal with disappointment. maybe I just don't get how married friends should interact. maybe I just don't know how to let go. maybe I should take a cue and limit MY husband's interaction with other people. maybe I should limit my own interaction with other people. maybe I should drive through a couple states and point some fingers (I have a couple favorites). ultimately, I'm going to say this: please don't do this to the person you love or his family!! as chris recently said to me, your decisions affect more than you.

I feel hurt and sad, but not really for myself (I'm more pissed off >:E than anything). I saw his parents' faces when I expressed congratulations at learning he got married. I think the temperature dropped in the room; the tenor of the conversation soured immediately. they were told, "we don't want family to be a part of our life" -- tough enough to comprehend -- only to learn that it's just his family that's not welcome in their life.

I saw hurt. it was coated in a casually calloused attitude, but it was so clearly there. parents trying to cope with a son who's turned his back on them so abruptly. there's sadness, and his mom prays for her son's wife, so there's hope. but life is short; and we fail to see that sometimes.


I apologize if my thoughts are still a bit disjointed on this. I'm still working through what I think about this. I thought maybe it would help to see it in front of me. I've shared this with a few friends, and many have experienced this themselves in some form or another, or know someone who has. we can deal. I know friends get lost by the wayside as everyone moves on with their lives. it's expected. it's part of life. . . . but family??? that's what keeps shorting out my circuits.


is there something to learn here? if everything is spiritual, is there something to learn about God in this? is it so simple as to how we acknowledge what God's done for us, but we're fine on our own now, thank you very much, see ya later, have a nice life, I don't need you? and when there's nothing you can do to help, is there a good way to love those who hurt? is there anything I need to change about how i interact with my families?