mad changes

our favorite musketeer is moving this weekend. my sister is moving out in a couple weeks. we're moving across the parking lot a couple weeks after that. piscin sees all the boxes piling up in random areas of our apartment and is a little suspicious. thor (the intrepid) got a heart transplant. bantam is patiently waiting to be adopted. my mariesheldon website will be resting in peace in a few days. i'm developing a super cool treasure hunt to donate for a silent auction on the 17th. i started writing again last week. my grandpa may not live much longer. i decided to take charge of my health. chris and i are taking charge of our finances. and this friday marks five years of marriage.

sometimes everything happening all at once can be overwhelming. this time it feels more like all the changes are affecting and motivating each other; a positive kind of cyclical process. i was downtown yesterday for a dep and caught myself staring out the window overlooking calder plaza and couldn't help but be overjoyed at how much i love all the aspects of my life.

there's a great quote that i can't remember verbatim that basically says the primary purpose of the Father is to develop our character, and that he will guide us but not override us. looking back over my short life, and short marriage in respect, it's easy to see the lessons we've had to learn over and over again because we didn't quite get it, or didn't understand that WE need to change, not our circumstances.

i used to confuse change with behavior modification. as a kid i used to modify my behavior to suit the other kids who found me annoying -- or found my laugh, sense of humor or things I said annoying; though i almost think it's a natural law that nerds just are annoying ;) even as i did it, though, i was resentful. i resented the kids i adjusted myself for, i resented myself for not being liked for who i was, and i resented the cards (or file, kaylee) that i had been dealt.

fortunately we all grow up and get a little wiser, learn to love ourselves and realize god created us for a purpose. and the change i'm talking about now is the good, challenging and painful yet purging kind of change; the change that is necessary because we need to grow; the change that is necessary because god calls us to live a certain way; the change that is necessary because it's healthy; the change that is painful because we've grown comfortable with the easy and shortcut way we've gone through life; the kind of change that requires intensity and focus and motivation and perseverance and persistence DAILY. basically, the kind of change that i suck at.

so here we are in another day. praying for enough so i can stick with it for today. learning that i can't do it on my own or in my own strength, for that matter. learning that i have much to learn and it's not going to be easy or comfortable. learning that this is what makes life so exciting and so worthwhile. learning that there is joy in the climb and god will provide what we need to make the journey.