what i learned in 2005

1) it's not that i doubt God can provide, it's that i don't believe i'm deserving.

while this goes against the fundamental nature of grace, i did discover that behind my prayers my thought process is such that i don't expect them to be answered for this reason. maybe it's a defense of my subconscious so that i'm not let down if God doesn't answer (or answers "no"). maybe it's because i can't let go of a works mentality. maybe it's my my stubborn independence that wants desperately to achieve, and then tumbles over the other side of pride when i screw things up.

and yet there are so many instances in my life where i have distinctly seen God move for my good...in the places where i certainly deserved to suffer through the aftermath of choice. i'm constantly reminded that it's not because of anything i do, but it's because God loves me. i don't think i'll ever be able to wrap my brain around that....ever.


2) selfishness leads only to destruction

wanting only to please oneself is childish at best...evil on the other end. it strains and destroys relationships, stunts growth and robs us of true joy. we think it will make us happy, but it really doesn't and it only makes others miserable.


3) what i despise in others i see in myself

this past year my eyes have been opened to some real ugly things in my family's collective experience. people have hurt my family; they've been my family; they've enraged me and frustrated me; they've been nasty, ridiculous, sneaky, dirty, prideful, unfaithful, mean, annoying, rude, childish. i used to be very comfortable, unconsciously thinking of myself as better than them.


4) behavior modification is not change

this thought popped up in my head a lot after hearing someone mention it. as a kid i understood behavior modification; it was my method for fitting in. i've used it lately to appease my husband; while grumbling under my breath. there is a lot in my life that needs to change. and if behavior modification isn't change, then what is? how do i change? can we truly change ourselves?

my fundamental attitude and desire to want to change is definitely at stake here. i also remember someone saying once that only God can change someone.


5) i am still more worried about pleasing others than being myself

i've constantly cycled through the process of trying to please others, ditching that crap to be myself, only to end up lost and ultimately trying to please a different someone else. i can't seem to escape it.

the psychological meaning beneath my desire to please others is a mystery. i have some theories, but they won't solve the problem.

i've never had any solid goals or things i wanted to accomplish for myself. the only things i've ever known for sure i wanted were to grow up, live in an apartment and, more than anything, get married. other than that i feel like i'm just floating through life with no real goals, and it frustrates me. i do plenty of things i enjoy, but there's no real burning passion for any of them. maybe i expect too much of these endeavors and in doing so miss some greater point.


what i want to do in 2006:

1) care more about others than myself
2) not be afraid to be myself
3) forgive those who hurt my family and make me feel helpless
4) trust God