another day for you and me in paradise

it's raining out today. I'm in kzoo again, hunkered (yes, hunkered) down with my laptop, shivering just a little bit as I watch the rain from my coffee oasis of choice.

there's a really friendly lady standing just outside the door waiting patiently for donations for some charity. I always feel bad when I don't have cash (which is pretty much always). and I always feel lame just handing off change. she does have a bag chock full of little rolls of lifesavers that she's using to reward donators. and almost everyone that's walked out the door has given something. that makes me happy because this lady is really nice and she's standing out in the cold. I take that back. she just came in. I think she's leaving soon. but at least they gave her a coffee.

lately I've been so busy with work and being sick that it really seems life just turbo boosted past me and mentally I haven't had a chance to catch up. once again, I feel adrift at sea; no power, no rudder, and no crazy island to get LOST on.

I don't know what it is. The last couple days I'm really struggling with the questions of who and what am I. I made a pretty major decision a couple months ago that was really freeing, and this week I feel like I stepped off the planet.

three people just bombarded the charity lady (while holding the door WIDE open, mind you) and they're all excited to donate (and get the lifesavers, no doubt). she just left. I think she's coming back saturday when it's busier. a friday morning 9:00 a.m. stint in the rain just isn't producing the traffic she needs. I do like lifesavers, though. crap.

I'm in the middle of the third book in the Dune series, "Children of Dune." at this point, Farad'n has basically just accepted the responsibility of leading his people, his planet, his family, the House Corrino; though internally he hated being put in the position of doing so when his passions were ignited by other, more intellectual and scientific, pursuits. I so appreciate the gut wrenchingness of such a decision. and yet once having made the decision, he accepts it so utterly and then applies himself fully to studying and implementing what will make him successful. this character is committed.

is that something we're sometimes just not capable of? accepting the reality of our life and leaving executed decisions in the past?

I don't think I've ever known myself. oh, I know a lot of things about myself that I understood at a time when I was still enough to grasp them.

does it ever boggle your mind to know that where you are today is because of so many factors set in motion before you were even born? consider just the future we ourselves have affected; choices made as children, where you lived, what you studied in college, who you cared about and how you spent your time. infinite factors that make up exactly who you are today; this moment.