breaking down

i have this sense that God is breaking me down. down to my barest, rawest self. I feel it. there is some agony in it because I can't really move forward in some ways. maybe that's where the sense of being passed by is coming from. those I look up to seem so far off; they're people with purposes I envy, with directions I can't face, with passions I don't understand, with abilities I can't match, intellects I can't parallel; like a window stands between us and I know I have to keep smiling because they can still see me. and in this I feel I'm passing through a former sense of self, like a speedy rewind is part of this break-down process. and it hurts because I want to be so much more than I have been.