rollercoaster days
ever have one of those days? you're up. you're down. ready to sob. hate life. love life. giggling on the phone. *sigh* it all makes me think I'm abnormal... or at the very least unstable.
I find this thought running through my head all the time: "What's wrong with me?"
and just this morning I caught myself. why do I always think there's something wrong with me? and maybe it's a hamster wheel of a discussion to enter into.
something I did think of this morning is the fact that I function best when I can see results. part of what I love about my job is when I work, at the end I can see what I've done. I have a work product, and it is finished. I don't ever have to deal with it again.
anything that requires me to work and work without "seeing" results or improvement or strength or fixed achievement (like in relationships and prayer and music practice) is terribly difficult for me to feel confident about. it's hard for me to move in the substance of those things because I'm acutely conscious about myself at the same time... not like when I'm typing a transcript or creating a spreadsheet and can focus on that task, not worry about my ability to do so.
it's weird. and I feel even weirder blogging it out. welcome to my brain. a strange and scary place.
3 comments:
i.
love.
you.
your description of not being able to see results was so well put. honey thank you for being afraid and yet determined enough to perservere with these struggles for all of your friends to see and share. it's one of the many reasons i (we) love you.
yes. to your post.
yes. we love you.
we are just like you, in fact.
You have an amazing brain and heart. This IS a huge discussion, and one worth talking about...I feel like that sometimes too.
Worship this morning was perfectly lovely...in many ways. It was fun having Aaron back, the arrangements were great, I could actually hear ALL the vocals, the bass was loud (I love that), and Jordan dances slightly when he plays...it was a nice day to come back from the woods. Seriously, It was very heartfelt, exciting with tenderness. Perfect.
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